STE Humour Archive --- Trek Park

Trek Park: The Spirit of Trek
Captain's Log: Another shitty day on this damn ship. Here I am surrounded
by Starfleet's most gorgeous chicks and I'm not getting any! My first
officer is a total dork. And now, the ship is being piloted by a toddler.
If the little bastard saves the ship one more time, I'm shoving him outside
the ship, without a suit. In a few minutes I have to meet with the
Klingons, the cockroaches of the universe. Why do I have to keep this
stupid log anyway?

(Everyone is on the bridge.)

Picard:       Hey big dork! What's going on?

Riker:        How the hell should I know?

Wesley:       (whose face is covered by a hood.)  mmmmmhhhh   mmmmmnnnn.

Data:         I may be fully functional but I am not going to do that!
              Little pervert!

Picard:       When the hell are the Klingons supposed to get here?

Data:         Wait a damn minute!  In a few hours, unfortunately.

Picard:       Your precision ain't worth shit!

Wesley:       MMMMNNNN MMMMHHHH

Troi:         That is like totally gross!  Like leave my cleavage out of this

Data:         How can he?  You're always sticking it in our faces.

(Dr Crusher enters wearing a negligee version of the StarFleet uniform)

Dr Crusher:   (runs her fingers across Picard's head) Jean-Luc, I think I need
              a special innoculation.

Picard:       Get lost!  I'm trying to score with the  Counselor.

Riker:        That's my job!

Picard:       Which you haven't been able to do you big dork!  Go eat some Cheesy
              Poofs and Happy Tarts!

Data:         Did someone just say something about Geordi? (Data laughs)

Geordi:       (voice-over comm call) I heard that you pile of scrap metal.  Don't
              think you're so hot just because you did the nasty with Tasha.
              She was under a mind altering disease.  She mistook you for her
              vibrator!

Riker:        I'm not fat, Baldy!

Picard:       You're so fat that your ass has it's own Quadrant.

Geordi:       Besides, your cat is gay.  I caught her humping Troi's leg.

Data:         Bite me, fender-face!

Geordi:       You wish.

(Three Klingons arrive.)

Picard:       Holy shit!  It's the Klingons!

Klingon 1:    I am called Moo-Moo

Klingon 2:    I and called Poo-Poo

Klingon 3:    I am called Doo-Doo

Riker:        I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.

Picard:       You wish you had a ten foot pole!

Moo-Moo:      Are you dishonoring our names?

Poo-Poo:      If so, our vengance will be swift.

Geordi:       (voice-over) Those names suck!  And I thought Data was a rotten
              name.

Data:         You should talk, Geordi.  Why don't you go do some a Reading
              Rainbow episode from inside the warp core.

(Doo-Doo gets pissed and fires a phaser at Picard.  The ray bounces off of
Picard's crome dome and hits Wesley)

Picard:       Oh my god!  They killed Wesley!  YOU BASTARDS!

Riker:        Don't have a shit fit.  You never liked him that much anyway.

Picard:       For once the big dork is right.  Screw the brat.

(Rats come in and carry off Wesley's corpse. No one seems to care.)

Picard:       Look you stupid Klingons!  You have no right to come in here and
              shoot my crew. (under his breath) No matter how annoying.

Moo-Moo:      We do not like to be dishonored.

Data:         Dishonor this! (flips up his middle finger).

Doo-Doo:      That's it!  I'm blasting the droid.

(pulls out his phaser but Data knocks him to the ground and they wrestle
there. Moo-Moo and Riker get into a shouting match of insults while Data and
Doo-Doo fight)

Picard:       Stop this!  We have to think.  What would Captain James T. Kirk do?

Troi:         Like, what would he do?

(Kirk beams in.  We see the beaming special effects which leave a pile of
glitter on the rug)

Kirk:         You called, Picard?

Picard:       We got a bunch of pain in the ass Klingons that just blew an
              Ensign away. Now they're picking fights with my crew.  How do
              I handle this?

Kirk:         I always find that a listening ear, an open mind, and a phaser
              set on maximum decimation work the best in these situations

(Picard and Kirk pull out their phasers and blast the Klingons to ashes.)

Picard:       Thanks Kirk!  Want to get a sythahol smoothie and do the humpty
              dance with the Doctor?

Kirk:         I'd rather have the Counselor.

(Picard and Kirk leave the bridge arguing over who gets Troi.)

(A sign goes up, saying "Fin")
Credits: Kiki The Weird