A Psychic Fair and a Sanitation Workers Strike have something in common |
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Beyond the Fringe
Homeopathic remedies consist of weak solutions
If drinking lots of nothing doesn't grab you very much
Touch Therapy's a misnomer, no contact's ever made
A plantar wart or callus could be sitting on the site
And then there's iridology, a diagnostic gem
There are those who swear they levitate and float above the floor
Others can project their thoughts, move objects with their minds
Given common data, if it's science, as they claim
Unlike psychics and clairvoyants, if the future we could see
And who'd be turning tarot cards and gazing into glass
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Reports that the Loch Ness Monster swallowed two tourists have been denied by Scottish police.
A spokesperson said: it's true two people are missing, but there is no need to turn a simple UFO
abduction into another ridiculous Nessie story.
Even further proof that science is losing the battle -
86% of Americans think Quantum Mechanics are the people who maintain Australian passenger jets.
As she massaged his foot, a lovely Reflexologist told my friend Eric that vigorous foot massage
increases blood flow to the internal organs of the body. To which Eric responded:
"Have I got news for you!"
Americans are hooked on religion, but in the UK it's astrology.
The sign of the beast in the U.S.is 666 in Britain it's Taurus.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmDrew Henderson 2007
The guy next door tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose
of Homeopathic medicine
he gave up after 40 barrels!
American astronomers involved in the search for
extra-terrestrial intelligence have made a
discovery which suggests that other life forms are trying to contact us, but that they
are no more
advanced technologically than we are.
What the astronomers have detected is
a bottle hurtling through space with a message in it.
Still more proof science is losing the battle.
76% of Americans polled think the Scientific Method is a form of birth control.
My cousin said: You believe people can talk to the dead, isn't that unusual for a skeptic?
I said: It would only be unusual if I believed the dead answered.
Its Fundamental
I met a man the other day
A pleasant man in every way
A kind and thoughtful, smiling treasure
Whose great delight is bringing pleasure
A handsome man; a heart of oak
A man who loves to laugh and joke
A man of endless drive and daring
A tender man, a man of caring
An honest man whose life inspires
The kind of man the world admires
Today I learned the evil sod
Does not believe there is a god
A fortuneteller told me I'm descended from greatness.
I said, I'm actually descended from a long line of losers: My grandfather was a stowaway on the Titanic.
Yes, she said, but he was a brave man.
Like hell, I countered: When they yelled, "women and children first", he came on deck in a dress.
But he did survive, the crystal gazer said.
Wrong again I'm afraid. He fell in the ship's pool and drowned
Yes that's what I was going to say. Your grandmother was stoic though.
My arse! When granny was asked to identify the body she picked out a better looking corpse.
Yes, I see a stranger in your grandfather's grave.
No you don't, because a police officer said "Are you sure that's your husband, madam, only we don't get many stowaways in evening dress?"
Granny said, "I should know my own husband".
The officer replied, "I daresay you should madam, but so should Lady Anton
and she has first dibs on the fellow in tails. I reckon yours is the one in drag".
Some School Boards in the U.S.A. want to teach Intelligent Design.
If they set the bar any lower they'll have to add Limbo Dancing to the curriculum
Isn't it strange that a touch therapist doesn't have to touch a person to remove pain,
and a professional wrestler doesn't have to touch a person to cause it?
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Off the Ark Two dingos howled on Ararat |
Science continues to lose ground.
84% of Americans surveyed thought Natural Selection was chosing organic products at the supermarket.
My friend Eric doesn't believe in being PC. He described a female astronaut as a satellite dish!
An iridolgist told me she's treated hundreds of patients.
I said, "How'd you treat them take them to lunch?"
Further proof that science is losing the battle.
84% of Americans believe a Super Nova is a two hour television special.
My acupuncturist keeps needling me,
But most disappointing was discovering my Crystal Therapist uses cut glass.
Aternative therapies aren't working for me
I don't see eye to eye with my iridologist,
My graphologist doesn't know how to read me,
I feel manipulated by my chiropractor,
My touch therapist won't keep her hands off me,
I can't count on my numerologist,
My homeopath doesn't give me much of anything
My plastic surgeon is a phony
and my psychic healer makes me ill.
Some books you may have missed:
The Origins of the Specious The roots of Creationism
Gullibles Travels Journeys through the world of parapsychology.
Across The World in 80-Days A flat earthers adventure.
A Fortune In Men's Eyes Get rich with Iridology.
The Naked and The Dead Nudism on the Astral Plane.
Of Ice and Men Story of Cryogenics.
The Old Man and The Seer Case study of a fortunetelling scam.
Allies In Wonderland Fringe groups join to fight science.
UFOria The excitement of alien abduction.
Born Yesterday The Creationist view of the world's history.
Much Ado About Nothing The Homeopathy Story.
Man and Superman Clark Kent's biography.
Looking Back in Anger Hypnotic regression and false memories.
The Princess and the Pee
A Falwell to Arms One man's fight against the evils of preschool television.
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn
Signs of ecological recovery in the U.S.
The Picture of Dorian's Grey
Fred Dorian tries to convince the world he photographed an alien.
Great Expectations
Negative aspects of in vitro fertilization.
How Green was my Valet?
Scientist tries to understand the naivety of his faith-head manservant.
Bell, Kook and Candling
The story of a radio host and his uncritical acceptance of the bizarre.
The Day of the Jackass
Twenty-four hours in the life of a young-earther
The World According to Carp
A psychic communicates with fish. (Sequel to A Plaice in the Sun
)
Catcher in the Sky
Alien abductors hover in search of victims.
Gay Pride and Prejudice
Homosexuals confront the Religious Right.
A phrenologist told my wife one of her cranial bumps indicates great athleticism and co-ordination.
James Randi had a scare last week. He dreamt the Rapture occurred and Jesus claimed the cheque.
In a recent poll Elvis Presley was voted most influential person of the past millennium.
- He sang better than Isaac Newton
Coach of a Texas college football team addressing his charges at half-time:
Well boys they sure outprayed us that half and the Lord gave them a touchdown or two.
And to think she got it from falling against a doorpost while trying to extricate her foot from her knicker elastic.
With all due respect to Elvis I can only guess at the reasons for such a stupid choice:
- He was more sensual than Charles Darwin
- He had tidier hair than Albert Einstein
- He was more radiant than Marie Curie
- He looked better in a jumpsuit than Winston Churchill
- He moved better than Galileo
- He sold more records than the tin eared Salk, Napier, Bell, Pasteur and Kepler combined!
I didn't see much prayin' from you fellas durin' the huddles and our kicker didn't even glance
heavenwards before that pathetic attempt at a field goal. How in heaven's name you
gonna win football games with that kind of sloppy devotion?
Now we have a chance to turn this around in the second half ..... what was that you said Leroy? ...... well of course we have to play better football, isn't that what I just said? ..... Yes Leroy, I know Sammy Batty is the best quarterback in the school, but does he attend church of a Sunday morning? ..... better football doesn't come from heathen quarterbacks who throw
sixty yard passes, better football comes from the Lord. If we give the
Lord a hundred and ten percent in our devotion, I know he'll give us
the eighty-six points we need to turn this game around ...... and maybe,
Leroy' if you prayed with a little more conviction, the Lord would give
David here a cannon for an arm instead of the peashooter he has seen fit
to bestow on him at the present time. So we are all getting down on our
knees right now and asking God to write our play book for the second half. .... yes Leroy,
I expect the boys in the next dressing room are also praying for a good second half,
but the Lord favoured them in the first half so I'm sure he'll be wearing our
colors in the second ...... No Leroy, I have not noticed that the Lord seems
to favour the teams with good quarterbacks, and remarks like that could get
you benched. There is no place in college football for rational comments
that smack of secular humanism, now boy, on your knees!
them off at a Psychic Fair by mistake.
One school board member was amazed at the advances made by science
in the field of aura reading
Another said he had no idea that a scientist could tell so much about future events
from a few chicken bones
A third wondered why scientists promote nonsense like evolution when there is so much
still to be done in the field of magnetic healing
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Are You Afraid of
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Young earthers claim they have incontrovertible proof that man and dinosaur walked the earth at the same time.
They report creationist palaeontologists have found a raptor skeleton with a saddle strapped to its back.
Carbon dating results are inconclusive, but the Made in China label on the saddle is raising questions.
