Hey, Noah, it's me GOD, I believe you are handy with a hammer and nails — I have a little job I'd like you to do.
It is true I do a bit of woodwork Lord, but I'm not all that good with a hammer. Down at the pub I'm known as Old Beaver Tails on account of my squashed thumbs — anyway, what was it you wanted me to do?
Do you know what an ark is Noah?
Give me a break Big Fella, I've been married to one for three hundred years.
Not a nark, Noah — an ark!. It's like a large houseboat — I want one built.
I wasn't aware you took holidays Lord.
I don't take holidays Noah, looking after the universe is a full-time operation and my biggest concern
right now is what's happening on earth. I don't want the ark for myself, I want it for you.
Me? What do I want with an ark? There's no water around here deep enough for a big boat.
Rest assured Noah, there will be!
Why is that — are you about to dam the river?
It isn't the river I'm going to damn.
What then?
Frankly I'm cheesed off at the way things are going down there.
Drug abuse, promiscuity, right-wing nutbars, corrupt library ladies and wimpy Italian soccer players.
Wimpy soccer players?
Fakers Noah, even the ball doesn't roll on the ground as much as they do.
I am so upset I am about to start all over again. I am going to send a deluge to drown every living thing.
Isn't that just a tad drastic? Why not a stern warning or a bit of pestilence?
Warnings don't work. I warned Adam about eating the Granny Smiths and look what happened.
Yes, but Adam was basically an orphan. He had no mother and his father was a bit distant to say the least.
How would you like a lightning bolt in the ear Noah?
It's true though Lord and throwing a temptress like Eve into the mix was asking for trouble.
It was a test Noah, and Adam failed.
Of course he failed, he was a prototype, he had no role models.
His woman gave him a wink and a lovely bit of fruit and he succumbed;
it was bound to happen. Anyway, you're omniscient, so you must have known ahead of time about Adam's apple crumble.
I gave Adam free will and he chose to ignore my warning;
he ate the forbidden fruit and knew he was naked.
I've never understood that, Big Guy. Even a blind man knows when he's in the buff, I'm sure Adam knew the dangly bits were showing. . .
Anyway, I thought He and Eve handled the modesty thing quite well with the fig-leaf thongs and all.
Yes, well I don't wish to discuss it further, so let's get back to the subject at hand.
Oh yes, the big houseboat. So who's going onto this ark with me if I decide to take on the project.
There are no ifs Noah. When you complete the project there will be you,
your good woman and your sons and their wives — and some animals.
The wife will like that, she's fond of animals — what kind did you have in mind?
Every kind!
Every kind? Go on Big Fella, pull the other leg.
It isn't a joke Noah.
What . . . elephants and tigers and gorillas and snakes, those kinds of animals?
And many others. You will take two of every kind of animal, male and female of course,
for when all of this is over there will be a lot of begetting to be got.
When I say two of each I am referring to the unclean beasts — you'll take seven of the clean beasts.
Then there is the insects and plants too.
Uh-uh! Lord, it would never work, the wife has pets but would never agree to sharing her living
quarters with cows and goats and creepy-crawlies and certainly not with monkeys and snakes and
particularly not with talking snakes; a talking snake would give her the heebie-jeebies.
Snakes do not talk Noah.
Some do, or was that story about Eve and the smooth-talking serpent just a figment
of some demented imagination? It's in The Book..
The story is allegorical Noah. The serpent represents temptation,
Eve gave in to temptation there was no talking snake.
I'm glad to hear that. Well anyway, my wife will not allow snakes whether garrulous or mute, and I'm pretty sure she won't allow the allegorical kind either.
She has no choice Noah, so you had better put your foot down.
I put my foot down about two hundred years ago Lord and she pinned it to the ground with a pitchfork.
You know my wife, she will simply refuse to live with livestock — so what do you suggest I do?
Learn to dog-paddle Noah.
I can do that already Lord, it was me who taught the dog.
I was being facetious Noah.
So was I . . . the dog still can't swim.
Enough, Noah!
Sorry . . . so I build a giant boat and load it with two or seven
of every kind of animal and on this boat there will just be eight of us to do all the
mucking-out, feeding, watering, bedding and excercising of the beasts,
and me six-hundred years old with a bad back and an allergy problem.
If you feel it is too onerous Noah, I can always find someone else.
However, you might want to consider your options.
Lord, you know I would do anything for you, but this is a tough assignment.
Not just the boat, but running all over this land looking for animals will take a long time.
Not only this land my son, there are many other lands, America . . . Australia . . . the Isle of Man.
So the rumours I have heard of lands across great seas are true then?
Oh yes! There are huge land continents which are slowly moving apart, if you get my drift.
Why are you laughing Lord?
I made a joke Noah, continents are moving apart, get my drift.
That's a thigh-slapper right enough Big Fella, but don't give up your deity job . . . so where is this Australia place?
You can't miss it — you just go down the Tigres or Euphrates and turn left.
It's a big place with Kangaroos, Koalas and Wallabies and the people talk funny.
What in heaven's name are colas and wobblies?
Animals Noah, and all to be aboard the ark.
This is gonna have to be one helluva big boat. What size did you have in mind?
Three hundred by fifty by thirty.
Three hundred by fifty by thirty what, miles?
Cubits.
Isn't that a breakfast cereal?.
It's a unit of measure, I thought all you woodworkers used cubits.
Hell no, I just eyeball everything — if it's too big I lop a bit off.
And if it is too small?
I stick a bit back on, that's why Elmer invented glue.
The Sumerians invented glue Noah.
Isn't Elmer a Sumerian?
No! Now it strikes me your method of working is not very accurate — for the ark project you will use cubits.
So what length is a cubit?
From the elbow to the finger tips is one cubit.
And that's your idea of accurate is it Big G? Do you want your ark measured in David cubits or Goliath cubits?
I want it in Noah cubits, and if I don't get less of Noah's lip he'll get a lightning bolt about his ears.
What's with you and lightning bolts? I was just joking, where's your sense of humour?
In spite of your lame continental drift joke, I know you have a sense of
humour for I've seen some of your creations.
No creation of mine was intended to be funny Noah.
You mean you meant Englishmen to be like that?
Well . . . perhaps that's the one exception. As I recall I made them on a Friday.
I usually do my best work earlier in the week.
If you don't mind me saying so Big Fella, I don't believe you have given enough
consideration to the logistics involved in this ark project of yours.
I mean, even if I could visit all the lands in the world and round up all the animals you want,
how could I get them across seas, deserts, mountains and rivers?
I'm sure you'll find a way.
I wish I had your faith. Sometimes I can't even coax my donkey out of its stable in the
morning and my hen gives me attitude.
Supposing I do get the beasts back here, a boat that is only 300 forearms long, no matter whose arms are doing the measuring, will simply not
accommodate all the beasts around here, let alone those wobblies and things and their food and bedding.
What you need Noah is a lot more faith.
No, what I need is a lot more boat.
I'm losing patience Noah.
Okay, okay, I'll get right on it, but this is going to take a while. When were you planning on sending your flood?
I had planned it for a week Tuesday, but since you feel you need time I'll give you a month.
A month? Hell it will take that long just to get through the Do-it-Yourself checkout and there's all those
cedars to be cut.
Gopher wood Noah.
I'm not going for wood just yet Lord, there's planning to be done . . . ouch! What was that for?
That was for foisting that tired old gopher joke on the Lord. I want gopher wood not cedar,
gopher is more bouyant — our aim is unsinkable.
Unthinkable, more like it!
Noahhhhh!
Sorry Big Fella — you know talking about unsinkable ships, I was told by one of the prophets
about a vision he had of a huge ship in the future that was supposed to be unsinkable but it sank.
I don't remember which prophet told me that.
That would be Titanic.
No, I think it was Esau, you know the one with the bad leg and the stammer.
The ship will be called Titanic, it will strike an iceberg and sink.
What's an iceberg?
It is a mountain of frozen water.
I've never heard of a ship on a mountain Lord.
Well you had better get used to the idea Noah.
Oh, I hope you aren't going to have me up high Lord. I get vertigo and panic attacks if I'm above sea level.
I promise you won't be much above sea level Noah.
So I won't be on a mountain?
I didn't say that, I said you won't be much above sea level.
You're scaring me Big Guy! How deep is this water going to be?
Too deep for wading Noah.
Higher than the knees?
Higher than the Himalayas.
Wow! Waist high!
The other Himalayas Noah.
Oh, right. Listen Lord couldn't you give me the ability to walk on water?
I could Noah, but I am saving that for someone special.
I thought you didn't play favourites Lord. We are all equal in the eyes of the Lord is what the holy men teach.
I know, doesn't it get on your wick when people talk nonsense?
So we are not all created equal?
Of course not, think of Fridays.
Oh yeah, Englishmen. Why couldn't two people walk on water God?
It is necessary that the one who has that ability be above all others. No mere mortal can have the ability to walk on water.
No mere mortal? So who is it Lord? I want to know.
You want to know! What gives you the right to want anything from the Lord?
Doesn't building an enormous boat deserve some reward?
Staying alive while others perish, is that not sufficient reward? You should be ashamed Noah.
Oh, the old guilt card, eh!
When it comes to guilt, there's nobody does it better Noah.
Now . . . since you feel construction will take more than a month,
I'll give you six months to finish the ark. I'll call back in three months to see
how the work is progressing.
So you're not going to tell me who gets to walk on water?
No.
I bet it's that brown-noser Malaki down by the temple, or Zebedi ... that's who it is isn't it, Zebedi?
Three months Noah!
Three Months Later :—
Nooaahhhh!
Geesus, don't go scaring me like that Lord, you've made me hit my bloody thumb again.
I see things are moving along, the ark looks almost finished.
Yes we just have the redwood floors to lay.
Redwood? I thought we agreed gopher.
Oh the ark is all gopher, but the wife fancied redwood floors — she says there's hardly an ark built
today that doesn't have redwood floors. The wife knows about these things.
Does your wife know about the wrath of God Noah? It's camels and elephants that are going to be
prancing on these floors, not some ballet company.
Humour her Lord, she's unhappy with the arrangements, redwood floors is a small concession I made.
She keeps up with trends you see; she has a subscription to one of those clay tabloids that feature home makeovers.
Women! Sometimes I think I wasted my time there.
I spent ages designing her and I could just as easily have fashioned her out of a leftover
collar bone or one of Adam's ribs and saved myself the hassle.
You mean you didn't make Eve from Adam's rib Lord?
Of course not, why would you think that?
I think it was in The Book!.
Didn't your mother tell you not to believe everything you read?
Yes, but The Book was the one exception. She told me everything in The Book was gospel
and had to be believed. She said it was your inerrant Word.
Inerrant my foot! — I had a couple of underemployed seraphs throw a few chapters together,
but frankly they made a heavenly hash of it. Only a fool would believe half the stuff they came up with.
It took me many millennia to shape the
universe and those dreamers had me do it in six days, I mean, come on . . .
So why haven't you amended it?
I didn't think it necessary. You teach a child nursery rhymes, but you don't expect the grown person
to believe a cow can jump over the moon. I have given each successive generation more ability to
reason and understand, but they still believe nonsense. Where did I err?
I didn't know you could err Lord.
Of course I can err. The dinosaurs were a dumb idea weren't they?
Yes, and come to think of it, so were the Pharinols.
The Pharinols?
You know — my in-laws.
Remember Noah, without them you would not have a wife.
Like I said Lord . . .
Do not push your luck Noah . . . Now, enough of this chit-chat, are the animals rounded up yet?
Some, the boys are out rounding up the others as we speak, not the wobblies of course,
that will be a separate trip later on. Tell me Lord, what's behind your inordinate fondness for beetles?
It's taken me ages to catch all the scurrying varieties and I've filled thousands of jars with the creepy little uglies . . .
surely a couple of ladybugs and a scarab or two would have been enough.
They are part of the food chain Noah, birds love them.
Yes, but swallows and starlings are bird-brained, they don't appreciate a five star menu.
A main course and a dessert is all those downy dipsticks need, not a million choices.
Perhaps I got a little carried away with the beetles, but I was on a roll and the varieties just kept on coming.
Thank goodness you weren't on a roll with the wolverines,
you wouldn't want too much variety there.
Those vicious devils not only bite the hand that feeds them they chomp on legs as well. You know Big G, I was thinking
. . .
You do too much of that Noah, in spite of what I said earlier I think when I repopulate the earth I
will create a class of people who cannot think.
We have those already, we call them
. . .
ouch, what was that for?
I told you you'd get a lightning bolt around the ears if you didn't smarten up, you were going to say
women weren't you?
For a being that's supposed to be omniscient you get an awful lot of stuff wrong Big Fella, I was going
to say religious fundamentalists.
Well if you think fundamentalists are dumb now Noah, it's as well you won't be around when
I launch my New Testament.
New Testament? Don't tell me you are planning on throwing out the current Testament as well as all the
living things — that is sacrilege.
I'll decide what is sacrilege Noah, and I will not be throwing out the current Testament,
I will be adding to it for future generations. I will also introduce a second Testament,
a New Testament, that will cover my son's years on earth.
Your son? I didn't know there was a God junior.
There isn't at the moment, that won't happen for a very long time. For now,
let's get on with my ark. What were you about to say before I smacked you with the lightning bolt?
I was going to ask about the fish. Since they can swim I guess they don't have to be on the ark.
They must be on the ark Noah; the fresh water will spill into the seas
and the salt water will contaminate the fresh, so the fish must be kept in their own environment to survive.
Including the whales?
The whales are not fish Noah, but yes, they must be included.
That's a lot of cubits. You do realise Lord that a blue whale is a wee bit too big to fit in a goldfish bowl . . .
it's a tight squeeze even for an orca.
And yet all is possible with faith, Noah.
Only if Faith has a whopping great boat.
You question my omnipotence, Noah?
No Big Guy, but I have nagging doubts about your arithmetic.
Fear not Noah, the Lord will not fail . . . anything else on your mind?
Well yes, my friends in the village have been asking why I am building a giant boat.
They think I have flipped my lid. I haven't told them about your plan because I believe it
could cause them to lose faith. I just tell them the boat is for a fairly important customer.
Fairly important? Is this how you describe your Lord, Noah?
I thought it best to keep you incognito Lord, there was no disrespect intended.
Fairly important suggests a tax collector or a brothel owner not the Almighty.
I just wanted to avoid difficult questions for it pains me to think all my friends will
perish in a short time.
There is no room for sentiment in these matters Noah, The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away!
Why?
. . .
Ouch, will you quit with the lightning!
Never question The Lord, Noah. Remember, My will be done . . . anything else on your mind?
Yes, I just realized who gets to walk on water, it's your son isn't it? I thought you would
be above nepotism Big Guy, I guess there is favouritism even in the highest places.
Sorry to disappoint you Noah. Anything else?
What if we get sick? There's going to be no one on the ark to heal us
. . .
no doctor.
I will protect you from sickness for I need you all healthy Noah, you will be the parents of all
the generations to come.
Surely you don't expect me to be any help in that department Big Fella? I believe my best begetting days are behind me. Esau the prophet, you know him
with the bad leg and the stammer, he told me that in the future he saw a pill that allowed old men
to perform as youths, but to my knowledge it isn't available at the local apothecary. However,
I have heard talk in the market that some have been receiving unsolicited messages on clay tablets offering E D cures.
E D?
Early drooping, I believe.
Don't worry Noah, The Lord will provide. Now I will leave you to finish your task and I will return
in three months. When I return Noah, I will expect the ark to be ready to go upon the waters.
Three Months later:—
