Your Captain Might Be A Redneck If...

• Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
  
  
• He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
  
  
• You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
  
  
• He refers to Klingons as "Critters"
  
  
• He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
  
  
• He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
  
  
• There is a stuffed possum in the Ready Room
  
  
• He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
  
  
• He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
  
  
• He resigned his command because he always wanted to own a fireworks stand
  
  
• He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
  
  
• He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
  
  
• He replicates items from the Graceland gift shop
  
  
• The primary colour of the Starship is "bondo"
  
  
• He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
  
  
• He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
  
  
• He can't wait to go off-duty, so he can wear his favourite baseball cap
  
  
• He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
  
  
• He's ever been too drunk to use the Transporter
  
  
• His Starfleet uniform has a slogan on it
  
  
• He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
  
  
• He tries to pick up alien women with animal noises and seductive tongue gestures
  
  
• Visiting dignitaries have heard about his giant beer can collection
  
  
• He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
  
  
• He calls his second-in-command "Buddy", instead of "Number One"
  
  
• He watches professional wrestling on the main viewscreen
  
  
• His orders to set coordinates include the phrase "Over yonder"
  
  
• He paints the starship John Deere green
  
  
• He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
  
  
• There is a spit cup attached to his command chair
  
  
• He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
  
  
• His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
  
  
• He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
  
  
• He grabs an Ensign and says "Lookit this before I flush it!"
  
  
• His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
  
  
• He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
  
  
• His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans & weenies
  
  

        Copyright  ©  by Bob Yewchuk